Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
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*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.