[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
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omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Twitter is the new flypaper.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside