Dogs are too pure for this world 馃ズ馃ズ
#goldenretriever #dogs
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Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Little known fact:
Young children鈥檚 bones are not the same as an adult. Children鈥檚 elbows are actually made of knives.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband鈥檚 shoes, so now I鈥檓 waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Could鈥檝e posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
When I say things are going swimmingly, it鈥檚 important to note that I can鈥檛 swim.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.