My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
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Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track: