Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
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guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
A wise man once said nothing.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“you recording!?”
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?