DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
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Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
just gave your address to some spiders
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale