Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
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I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy