CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
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“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.