[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
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My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
canadian assassins are called killergrams
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I want to meet the individual who made this
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.