Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
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“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.