I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
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Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Food gives you energy to nap more.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”