Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
You Might Also Like
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.