ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
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[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!