ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
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Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
crying
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.