I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
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Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring