If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
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I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Spring of Deception
Alexa, find me a cat who鈥檚 hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That鈥檚 salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
True statement馃憤馃槒馃榿
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter鈥檚 bed from her late night snacking and I鈥檝e never been more concerned that she might not be mine
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I鈥檒l take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can鈥檛 you just wear a toga?
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can鈥檛 get a DM from a guy that doesn鈥檛 have his wife in his profile picture
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
If you love someone, let them tweet.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball