Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
You Might Also Like
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
good morning
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.