Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
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MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Unimpressed
shit, they caught us—run!!!
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.