Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
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Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
*mops up wine with cat*
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.