Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
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I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer