Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
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Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
“Sheer Arrogance”
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok