[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
You Might Also Like
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.