The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
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Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT