8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
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“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
#SuperBowl
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.