i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
You Might Also Like
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
So we got a goldfish…