this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
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my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.