My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
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My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.