Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
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Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone