My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years