“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
You Might Also Like
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
nice challenge
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!