My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
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It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Pandas 🐼🖤
not to brag, but mine was free
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot