and this one
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If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
britain’s three elite institutions
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked