I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
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I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.