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Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”