Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
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how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Oops
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.