I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
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Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.