7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
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That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.