How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
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Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….