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Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.