“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
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I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.