Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
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Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!