Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
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A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Bike for sale
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop