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MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
man i love columbo
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet