I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
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I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Unimpressed
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?