[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
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Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.