Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
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Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*