A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
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Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield