everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
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Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
felt that
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
They’re not wrong
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.