The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
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[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Me trying to reach for my goals
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those