“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
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If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
sugar glider wrangler
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL